Breathing Underwater
by BigTimeRush-BTR
Summary: "It'll be okay," Kendall says reassuringly. If only Logan could believe him. Perhaps if he didn't constantly feel like he was drowning, he'd have some hope left in him.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys. This is a little (not really that little) Christmas two-chapter story that I came up with. It was supposed to be a one-shot, but it got too long, and I realized that if I finished it, it wouldn't be until way after Christmas. And although this is late, I hope you all had a Merry Christmas, or happy holidays, if you celebrate anything else. And I hope you have a Happy New Year. :)**

 **Trigger warning for mentions of suicidal thoughts, depression and anxiety.**

 **I hope you enjoy.**

* * *

"Two and a half more hours and we're out for winter break. I can't wait!" Carlos giddily jumps up and down as the words slip from his lips, unable to contain his excitement. To his left, Kendall raises an eyebrow at him in amusement, while grinning at the shorter boy. James, who had been walking in front of him, turns around and raises a hand, high-fiving him in excitement. Logan, in the other hand, stares at his two overenthusiastic friends and feels a sudden wave of melancholy hit him like a bullet to the chest. The crestfallen expression on his face doesn't seem to go unnoticed by Kendall, whose grin turns into a frown as his eyes land on him.

"You okay, Logie?" he asks softly, once he has moved to stand beside him. James and Carlos are too wrapped up in their own conversation to notice.

Logan only nods, not trusting the words that will slip out of his mouth if he does speak.

"You sure?"

"I'm fine," he mumbles as he brushes past Kendall, even though he knows that he's a bad actor and a terrible liar. He wouldn't be surprised if Kendall didn't believe him.

"Alright... if you're sure," Kendall says slowly as he falls into step beside him and looks back to see if Carlos and James are following them. "Come on, guys! The cafeteria's waiting!" he shouts at them, succeeding in earning their attention.

"Did someone say food?" Carlos runs to where Kendall and Logan are, practically knocking the two over as he bumps into them and slings an arm around their shoulders. "I'm starving."

"Weren't you just eating a candy bar a few minutes ago?" James asks from behind him.

"Well, yeah, but that's not _real_ food," Carlos tells him, causing James to shake his head in amusement.

"But it's something!"

Logan rolls his eyes at them and smiles, but it feels forced and the feeling of grief is still there, weighing heavily on his chest. He's not sure what has caused it, but he wishes it would just go away. It's not a foreign feeling – he's so familiar to it in fact, that he has become accustomed to it. It seems to always be there, lurking over his shoulder, waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike, and he absolutely hates it.

"Hey guys, they have tater tots!" They're now standing in the line for lunch, inside the cafeteria. Carlos has the biggest smile on his face, and Logan can't help but wonder how something so minuscule is able to make him so happy. He wishes he could feel that way. Sure, he feels happiness every now and then, but he's not even sure if he can call it happiness. It seems like any time he starts to feel happy, his dark thoughts take over and he's reminded of every reason why he _shouldn't_ be happy.

The lunch line moves fast, to Logan's relief, and before he knows it, they're taking a seat on one of the cafeteria tables. Logan and Carlos sit on one side of the table, while Kendall and James take a seat right across from them.

Logan's about to take a bite of his hamburger when Carlos blurts out something that makes Logan's hands freeze in mid-air.

"I'm so excited for Christmas! Aren't you guys?" He looks from James, to Kendall, to Logan, awaiting a reply.

"Who wouldn't be excited for Christmas?" James laughs, but his laughter dies down when his gaze stops on Logan. The smaller brunet has placed his hamburger back on his plate, and he's not cheering or laughing or smiling. In fact, he has a sorrowful look plastered on his face. "Oh..."

That's when it hits all three of them – Logan's mom had passed away in a car accident earlier in February that year. This was the first Christmas Logan was going to spend without his mother by his side.

"Logan, I didn't mean—"

"It's fine." Logan looks up then, feigning a smile. They can all tell it's fake, not only because of the evident sadness in his voice, but also because his smile doesn't reach the corners of his eyes.

"But Logan—"

"Seriously, it's okay. There's no need to apologize."

"Are you and your dad doing anything for Christmas?" Carlos asks, attempting to get rid of the awkward atmosphere that has settled upon them. "If you're not, I'm sure my parents wouldn't mind having you two over."

"I don't know yet," Logan mumbles, lifting his hamburger's bun with two fingers. His food all of a sudden doesn't seem so appetizing. "But thank you for the offer."

Carlos nods and looks down at his own food, feeling very uncomfortable and out of place. He feels bad for having been so happy about the holidays, when Logan is anything but excited. He should have known better, especially after how hard things had been for Logan after his mother's death. He had isolated himself for months, barely interacting with anyone, including them. He was a shadow of his former self, and they all hated it, but they didn't really know what to do or say to make things any better. All they could really do was be there for him.

"It'll be okay." That's Kendall's voice, soft but reassuring. He reaches across the table and places a hand on Logan's arm, as if to comfort him, but Logan doesn't even budge at the gesture. "It will get better."

"You don't know that," Logan says quietly, his eyes prickling with tears.

"I do," Kendall says with a sigh. "I've been where you are, and I know it's not easy and that it hurts like hell, but you have us. It might not be much, but we are here for you. Right guys?"

"Right," Carlos and James say in unison.

"You're not alone, Logie." Carlos swings an arm around Logan's shoulders and pulls him close to his side. "You're always gonna have us to lean on when things get hard."

"Thanks. I really appreciate it." Logan smiles, and to the boys' relief, this time it doesn't seem as forced as before. They just hope that they'll be enough to help Logan, and that he'll actually come to them if he needs them.

* * *

It's the night before Christmas – he's supposed to be jumping up and down in excitement; he's supposed to be laughing and smiling and having fun. After all, isn't Christmas supposed to be the happiest time of the year? But he's not doing any of those things. Instead, he is sitting on his bedroom floor, with his back pressed against his bed's wooden frame and tears streaming down his face. Held tightly to his chest is a picture frame with a photo of his mom that was taken just months before she passed away. Even now that ten months have passed since she was taken from him, he can't believe she's gone. It was too sudden, too unexpected. She didn't deserve to die so young.

He can't stop crying, and he feels like he can't breathe properly due to the harsh sobs slipping past his lips. Usually, he would do his best to muffle them, but at the moment, he can't be bothered to care about who hears him. Not that there's anyone around to hear him – his dad's out of town for the weekend, so he's alone.

Alone on Christmas Eve – the irony of the situation makes him want to laugh humorlessly. He thought Christmas was a time to spend with loved ones and to enjoy each other's company. But right now, he couldn't possibly feel any more lonely.

Because of his mother's death, his father has become a whole different person, one that Logan now barely recognizes. He will indulge himself in his work and forget all about him, and it hurts him to know that he's not a priority in his father's life. In a way, it feels like he has lost not only his mom but his dad as well. Sure, his father is alive and they live under the same roof, but sometimes, it hardly feels like it.

Perhaps that's the reason he was dreading Christmas so much this year. His mother is gone, and there is nothing he can do to bring her back. And now, his father is gone, too, and he hates it. He hates feeling all alone and like he has no one to turn to. He hates that despite knowing that his friends and their families would surely greet him with open arms, he can't bring himself to admit he needs them. He hates everything, and a part of him wonders if this is how bitter and awful he will feel for the remainder of his life.

The buzzing of his phone is what forces him to get up from the floor. He thinks about not answering, because he's simply not in the mood to talk to anyone. But after a few seconds, curiosity gets the best of him and he gets up, placing the picture frame back on his nightstand. He then reaches for his phone, which has Kendall's name flashing on the screen as it continues to vibrate. Taking a deep breath, he presses the 'ANSWER' button on the screen and brings the small device close to his right ear.

"Hello?"

"Hey Logan? It's Kendall."

"Kendall... you're in my contacts list. Why are you telling me this?"

"Oh, right." He can hear Kendall chuckling on the other side. "Is your dad home? My mom wants to talk to him."

"Oh... umm, he's not here right now." He feels like he can't breathe again, and the room seems to be spinning, but it has to be his imagination.

"Do you know when he'll be back?"

"In a few days, I guess," Logan mumbles, mentally cursing himself as he knows fully well that Kendall's not the type of person to take something like this lightly.

The other line goes silent for a few seconds, before Kendall finally speaks again. "Did you say _days_?"

Logan hums in response, shifting nervously where he stands, all the while feeling like he might pass out. "Yeah, he, uh... he had some business thing he had to take care of."

"On Christmas Eve? He left you alone _on_ _Christmas_ _Eve_?!"

"No, he just—"

"I'm coming to get you."

"Kendall, please don't—"

The line goes dead, and as soon as it does, Logan falls back on his bed and stares up at the ceiling. "Stupid," he breathes out. He should've known Kendall would do something like this, and perhaps he did. Perhaps he wants this – wants someone to care, and to not be alone on Christmas – he just won't admit it to himself or to anyone else.

He's not sure how much time passes, but he suddenly hears someone knock on the front door, and even though he knows it's just Kendall, he can't help but panic. He can feel his heart beating at a rapid rate against his chest, and it feels like it's going to beat right out. Sighing shakily, he stands up and makes his way towards the living room, hesitating slightly before opening the door.

"Hey," he says quietly, moving to the side so that Kendall can come inside. The blond is standing in the doorway, with his arms wrapped tightly around himself, as if to keep warm, and there is snow coating his jacket and his hair. The sight of him only makes Logan feel worse because he doesn't feel like it was worth it for Kendall to walk to his house, while it's snowing, because of him. He could get sick, and then it would be all his fault. He's not worth it.

"You didn't have to do this, you know. You didn't have to come get me. I'm fine here. I'm okay," he says, his voice shaking. At this point, he's not even sure if he's trying to convince Kendall or himself.

"Really?"

Logan nods.

Kendall rolls his eyes and places a mittened hand on Logan's shoulder. "You're not, Logie, and I'm not letting you spend Christmas by yourself," Kendall says sternly, leaving Logan no space to argue. "Get dressed, you're coming with me."

"I don't want you to do this just because you pity me." Logan looks down as he mutters that one sentence, his hands wriggling together nervously. "And I don't wanna be a bother. It's why I didn't tell you, or Carlos or James. I knew you'd worry... and I didn't want that."

"That's not why I came." Kendall frowns and takes ahold of Logan's arm. He doesn't allow the other boy to protest as he guides him to his room and forces him to take a seat on his bed. "I'm not doing anything because I pity you. I came here because you're my best friend, and I want you to have a good Christmas. I know things are crappy right now, but you're not alone, Logan. You have me – you have _us_. You don't have to spend Christmas by yourself just because your idiot of a father thought that leaving you alone would be okay."

"He's just busy," Logan says, shrugging his shoulders. "Then again, he's always busy... I really shouldn't be that surprised. It's just that I... I didn't expect him to do this, you know? Not after what happened with m-mom. I didn't think he'd just go and leave me here by myself."

He can feel the tears building up – they burn and make his vision blurry, but he can't let them fall. He doesn't want to let them fall, but as one slips down his cheek, he realizes that perhaps it's out of his control.

"Come here," Kendall says softly, moving to sit beside his friend's trembling frame. He pulls Logan into a hug and rubs small circles against his quivering back, hoping it'll help, even if just a little bit.

"I don't know what to do anymore, K-Kendall. I feel so h-helpless."

"I know," Kendall whispers, not quite knowing what to say to make Logan feel any better. He's usually the one who has all the answers, and he hates that right now, when Logan needs him more than ever, he doesn't know what to say or do. He feels like a bad friend. He wants to apologize, but he knows it'll just make Logan feel worse.

"Just come with me, okay?" He slowly pulls away from the hug, his hands moving to cup the sides of Logan's head. "I want you to come with me."

"A-are you sure that's okay? I don't wanna bother you..."

"You could _never_ be a bother. You're family, and I know for a fact that mom and Katie would love to have you around as well."

Logan nods after a moment of hesitation, his eyes meeting Kendall's. "Okay... I'll go," he says slowly, forcing himself to smile. "Thank you, Kendall."

"Phew! I thought I'd have to drag you out of here." The blond sighs dramatically, causing Logan to roll his eyes at his friend's sudden change in behavior. "I'll wait in the living room," he says as he stands up.

"Okay." Logan waits for Kendall to walk out of the room, before proceeding to change into warmer clothes. He might live in Minnesota, but he's not immune to the cold weather outside, especially when it's snowing like it is at that moment.

After packing a small backpack with a toothbrush and an extra pair of clean clothes, he heaves it over his shoulder and makes his way to the living room. Kendall's sitting on one of the beige couches when he gets there, apparently deep in thought.

"I'm ready," Logan says when he realizes that Kendall has yet to acknowledge his presence.

"Oh, sorry, didn't see you there." Kendall smiles and stands up, and together, the two boys walk out of the house, with Logan locking the door behind them.

"It's cold," Logan mumbles as soon as he steps foot outside.

"I told you to get changed for a reason," Kendall points out with a smirk. "Good thing my house is only a couple blocks away, huh?"

Logan nods as he tightens his arms around his middle, following Kendall's footsteps. Silence drapes over the two of them as they make their way to Kendall's house. He doesn't really feel like talking, and Kendall seems to get that.

When they reach their destination, Kendall takes out the spare house key he had been carrying in his jacket's pocket, and unlocks the door. "Come on," he says, placing a hand on Logan's back and urging him inside. The brunet walks inside hesitantly, warmth enveloping him as soon as the door is closed shut behind them. "Mom, we're home!"

Logan jumps at the loudness of Kendall's voice, blushing slightly when he sends an apologetic look his way.

"Oh, hey sweetie, you're back." Mrs. Knight smiles as she enters the living room, her eyes falling on Kendall and then on Logan. "Logan, sweetheart, are you okay?" She looks worried, and he hates it. It feels weird to have someone speak to him in a motherly tone, and it just makes him miss his mother even more, but he tries not to let it show.

He nods and clears his throat, a small, awkward smile appearing on his face. "Yeah, I'm okay," he says in a quiet tone, inching a bit closer towards Kendall. "How are you?"

"I'm good, just getting dinner ready. Kendall said your dad's not home? Where is he?"

Logan shifts awkwardly where he stands, his eyes flickering from Mrs. Knight to Kendall repeatedly. "He, uh... had a business trip he had to go on. He couldn't take me with him." _Not_ _that_ _I_ _wanted_ _to_ _go_ , anyway, he thinks bitterly.

Mrs. Knight looks like she's about to say something, but she closes her mouth, her lips forming into a tight line. "I'm sorry, honey," she finally says in a soft tone. He's taken by surprise when she walks towards him and brings him in for a hug.

Not knowing what to do, he hugs her back and sighs quietly, tears gathering in his eyes once more, but he blinks them back. "It's okay," he chokes out as she pulls away.

She looks at him sadly, wishing she could say something to alleviate his pain. "Well, you are more than welcome to stay here. You can even help Kendall, Katie and I make cookies. What do you say?"

"I guess I can do that."

"Are we making them now?!" Katie appears at the top of the stairs, a huge smile on her face.

"Not until after dinner." Mrs. Knight shakes her head at the 9-year-old, not at all surprised by Katie's sudden appearance. "You boys can head upstairs if you'd like. I'll let you know when dinner's ready."

"Do you need any help, Mrs. Knight?" Logan offers, but she shakes her head in response.

"I think I'm okay. Thank you, though."

"Come on, Logie." Kendall pushes Logan towards the stairs, causing the brunet to stumble forwards. "Sorry."

Giving Mrs. Knight one last look, Logan climbs up the stairs, Kendall hot on his heels. They pass by Katie, who turns around to face them and wraps her arms around Logan's middle. The gesture doesn't fail to bring a smile to his face.

"So, what do you wanna do in the meantime?" Kendall asks as the two step foot inside his room. He turns to Logan, who is now standing in the middle of the room, his gaze turned towards the floor, where his backpack is laying. "Hey, you okay?"

"I... I don't know."

"Do you need to talk?"

Finally, Logan looks up, his brown eyes flooding with tears. "I don't... I don't deserve this, Kendall."

Kendall looks at him with a puzzled expression, his right eyebrow raising in a questioning manner. "Deserve what?" he asks, crossing his arms over his chest.

"This"—Logan waves his arms around the room, as if to make a point—"I don't deserve any of this."

"I'm confused..."

Logan sighs, frustrated. He doesn't want to say what's really on his mind. He doesn't want to see the look on Kendall's face when he does say it.

"I don't deserve for you to care this much. I don't deserve to be here. I don't—"

"Logan..." Kendall interrupts, moving to stand right in front of him. He places both of his hands on Logan's shoulders and pushes him to sit on his bed. "What are you trying to say?" he asks as he sits down beside him, doing his best to stop his voice from quivering. Seeing Logan like this is breaking his heart.

"You don't want to know," he says quietly.

"I do. I want to know what you're thinking. I want to help you."

"I just... I don't want to scare you. I'm afraid I'll scare you away..."

"You won't," Kendall reassures him as he places his hand on Logan's shoulder and gives it a small squeeze. "You can talk to me."

Logan nods to indicate he understands and takes a deep breath – one that leaves him feeling even more anxious than before. "Some days, like today, I... I wish I wasn't here anymore."

"As in... you wish you were dead?"

When Logan stays silent, Kendall feels the air leave his lungs. He knows what that feels like, and it's something he wouldn't wish on anyone, especially one of his best friends. Maybe he doesn't feel that way anymore – at least, not as often as he used to at one point – but he knows how painful it is to feel that way. To feel like everything around you is crumbling, and like the only escape is death.

"Why...?"

"Maybe it'd be better for everyone if I was gone..."

"That is simply _not_ true. Where would you get that idea?"

Logan shrugs and wipes the tears from his cheeks with the sleeve of his jacket. "I'm pretty much invisible to my dad, so it's not like h-he'd notice. And I'm just so... tired of making everyone worry, like I'm doing with you right now."

"Logie." Kendall frowns, his right hand moving to cup Logan's chin in his palm, turning his face to look at him. "I worry because you're my best friend. God, Logan, you're like... you're like my brother. No, you _are_ my brother. If I lost you... I don't know what I'd do. Nobody would be better off without you. Not me, not James, or Carlos... or anyone, not even your dad."

"He doesn't even feel like my dad anymore," Logan chokes out, tears continuing to roll down his cheeks. "I'm just... I'm tired of everything, and I miss my mom so much. Things were so much easier when she was here."

"I know. I'm sorry this happened... You didn't deserve it."

"Neither did she." Logan stands up then, turning his back towards Kendall. "Umm, I'll be right back, I'm gonna go to the restroom, if that's okay." He needs an escape. He hates crying in front of people – it makes him feel pathetic for not being able to control his emotions.

"Okay."

Kendall watches him go with a frown on his face. When he had lost his dad, things had been hard, and he too had fallen into a rut, but he'd had his mom by his side. With Logan, things are different. He can only imagine how terrible he must feel after losing his mom, as well as not having his dad there to help him when he needs him the most. It makes him angry to even think about it.

After exiting Kendall's room, Logan walks towards the end of the hallway, where the bathroom is located. He quietly opens the door and slips inside, closing it behind him. As soon as it's closed, he presses his back against the door, gulping in air he didn't realize he needed until now. He feels the tears well in his eyes, and they fall within seconds. He feels like he's drowning – in memories, in thoughts, in the past, in feelings. He's drowning, and he doesn't know how to get to shore. It's a terrifying feeling, but he's not sure he even cares anymore – he's not sure he wants things to get better. Perhaps vanishing off the face of the earth would be the best thing for him and for everyone around him. At least, that's what he thinks.

 _You_ _need_ _to_ _calm_ _down_ , he tells himself, moving to stand in front of the white porcelain sink that is connected to the wall, near the door. His gaze moves from the sink, to the mirror on the wall – his stomach tying up in knots as he stares at his reflection. Not only does he feel dead on the inside – he looks dead, too. His eyes are bloodshot and swollen from all the crying he's been doing, but he can still see the lack of life reflected off of them. There are dark bags under his eyes, which are proof of the sleepless nights he has spent overthinking everything and wishing he was buried six feet underground. The person staring back at him isn't who he was a year ago. Then again, he doesn't even remember who he was a year ago. He doesn't remember what true happiness feels like, and he doesn't think he ever will again.

"Hey, Logan," Kendall knocks on the wooden door from the other side, startling Logan, "dinner's ready."

"I'll be out in a minute," Logan says shakily as he turns on the faucet and runs his hands under the cold water. He splashes some of it on his face, hoping it'll help hide the fact that he had been crying.

He then turns off the faucet and takes a deep breath, before walking out of the bathroom with a smile on his face. "What's for dinner?"

* * *

 **That's probably a weird place to end it, but it was getting kinda long, and I wanted to get something up. Let me know what you thought. :) Thank you for reading. I hope you guys liked this first part. I'm not sure when the next part will be up, but hopefully, I'll have it up soon. Also, I realize this first part mostly consisted of Kogan bromance. The next part will include Carlos and James throughout most of it. It won't just be them two. :)**

 **~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys. It only took me almost a year to get this chapter written, lol. This also went in a different direction to what I had originally planned... Let's just say my first idea was... darker. But, I'm happy with how this turned out, and I really hope you like it. :) Also, I wrote this for the BTR Plot Adoption Forum's Christmas challenge.**

 **I hope you enjoy.**

 **Trigger warning for mentions of suicidal thoughts and an eating disorder.**

* * *

Dinner with the Knights that evening is awkward, to say the least. As everybody's forks clank against their plates, Logan's remains laying against his plate, completely untouched.

From across the table, he can feel Kendall's gaze burning into him every few seconds.

"Sweetie, aren't you hungry?" Mrs. Knight asks once a few minutes have passed by. When Logan doesn't respond, she asks again, her right hand coming to rest on his shoulder. The gentle action causes Logan to jump slightly, his head immediately turning to look in her direction.

"S-sorry, what?"

"I asked if you're not hungry," Mrs. Knight says in a gentle tone. "You can always put it in the fridge and eat it later if you're not."

"Oh." Logan's cheeks flush a light shade of pink. "N-no, not really. I had a, uh, pretty big lunch, so I think I'll do that. Thank you."

After grabbing his plate and placing it in the fridge, he excuses himself and walks back up to Kendall's room. He sits on the edge of Kendall's bed, doing his best to hold back the tears that burn in his eyes.

He finds it hard to wrap his mind around everything that's happened. He can't believe that in less than a year, his whole world had been turned upside down. He had gone from being a happy teenager, who couldn't wait to grow up and make something out of his life, to one that can't even imagine a future, because he simply doesn't see the point in having one anymore. It's like after his mother passed away, everything fell apart. All his happiness vanished and all the plans he had were ripped apart into a million pieces.

He doesn't even know if he will _have_ a future anymore.

"Hey, I brought you some hot chocolate."

Kendall enters the room a few minutes later, a mug of hot chocolate held in one hand. He holds it out to Logan, who grabs it with hesitation, and then proceeds to take a seat beside him on the bed.

"Thanks," Logan mumbles out in a barely audible whisper, his eyes staring down at the hot beverage in his hands. Instead of taking a sip, though, he places it on Kendall's nightstand without another word.

"You okay?" Kendall asks, even though he already knows the answer. He's not surprised when Logan shakes his head and a tear starts to roll down the corner of his eye. "You miss her, don't you?"

"I just... can't believe she's gone. Like, she's actually gone, just like that. I thought..."

"That she'd always be here?" Kendall offers when Logan trails off. "I know that feeling."

Logan nods as he lets out a ragged breath. He's no longer able to keep the tears at bay or keep his emotions under control. It hurts too much – his mother dying, his father not caring, the weight of it all. It literally feels like there's a heavy weight sitting on top of his chest, leaving him breathless. It's all too much.

"Hey, come here." Kendall winds an arm around Logan's shoulders and his other around his torso, pulling him closer towards him. "Breathe. It's gonna be okay, Logie. You're gonna be okay."

Logan shakes his head as he buries his head into the crook of Kendall's neck, his tears dampening his skin. He feels hopeless, like his life has been drained out of him. He's a living corpse, at least, that's what it feels like to him. He might be alive on the outside, but on the inside, he feels like he's merely hanging on by a thread.

"My m-mom's gone, I am nothing but an inconvenience to my dad. He hardly acknowledges me, Kendall. It's like I don't even exist... It's like I don't matter."

"You do." Kendall cups Logan's face in between his hands and lifts his head so he can look him in the eye. "Logan, you matter so much more than you could ever imagine. Please, never doubt that for a second."

Tears continue to roll down Logan's cheeks as his bottom lip begins to tremble. "I don't feel like I do..."

"Well, I _know_ you do." He pulls Logan into a hug once more, his chin coming to rest on top of Logan's head. "I love you, Logie. And mom loves you, and so does Katie, and James, and Carlos. And your mom loves you so much, and I know it feels like you've lost her, but those we love are never truly gone. She's still here." He points to Logan's chest, a small smile coming to his face. "She's in your heart, and no one can take her away from there."

A watery smile forms on Logan's face before he brings his arms to wind around Kendall's neck. He doesn't say anything, just relishes in the warmth that is so _Kendall_ , and allows his eyes to drift shut.

"I don't know what I'd do without you," he says softly, choking on the last two words. And he really doesn't. Kendall understands him better than anyone, perhaps even better than he understands himself. He's always been a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and a voice of reason. He'd be lost without him.

"I could say the same about you," Kendall whispers back as he gently caresses the back of Logan's head, his fingers tangling in dark brown tufts of hair.

Logan smiles despite the ache that is still present in his chest and pulls back. He wipes under his eyes with trembling hands and turns to the mug of hot chocolate that is sitting beside the bed. "My chocolate's probably gone cold," he says with a small chuckle as he reaches to grab it.

"Want me to heat it up?" Kendall offers, but Logan shakes his head.

"No, it's fine." He smiles before taking a sip. "Thank you, though."

Kendall nods and lays back on the bed, his gaze coming to rest on the ceiling. "Why did you lie to my mom?"

"What?"

"You told her you'd had a big lunch," Kendall points out. "You didn't eat this afternoon at school."

"I..." Logan trails off. "I ate when I got home."

"Did you?" Kendall raises an eyebrow at him questioningly.

"Yes."

Kendall sighs, moving to sit back up. "I worry about you, Logie. You hardly ever eat with us at lunch anymore. You spend most of your time at the library during lunch, and when you do eat with us, you hardly eat."

Logan swallows against the lump in his throat, his eyes stinging with tears once more. "I _do_ eat," he whispers.

"Not enough," Kendall points out.

Logan goes quiet. He didn't think anyone had noticed. He had _hoped_ nobody had noticed.

"You, out of anyone, should know that that's not healthy."

He goes tense, his heartbeat increasing with each passing second. Of course he knows that it's unhealthy, he just can't be bothered to care about his well-being anymore.

Seconds tick by, but to him they feel like an eternity. He stares at the wall, his hands shaking on his lap. "I'm... I'm sorry..."

Before he can register what is happening, he feels a pair of arms wrap around him, holding him in a warm embrace. He brings his hands up to hold onto Kendall's arms, his head going limp and sobs harshly wracking his body.

"It's okay," Kendall whispers, his breath warm against Logan's ear.

 _But it's not_ , Logan thinks. It's not, and he knows it. He's just saying that to make him feel better.

"No," Logan says brokenly. "I—" He can't breathe. He's having an anxiety attack and everything is so far from okay. "I'm so sorry."

"I just want you to be okay," Kendall tells him. "I don't want anything to happen to you. You shouldn't be hurting yourself like this."

"I'm n-not hurting myself."

"Yes, you are."

He knows he is, but that's one thing he has control over.

"Logie, look at me."

He can't.

"Please."

He can't face the disappointment in Kendall's eyes.

"Logan." This time, Kendall reaches forward, using his thumb and index finger to turn Logan's head to face him. "You _are_ hurting yourself," he says slowly, hoping the words will do something, anything. "You do not deserve that. Despite what you might think, despite what your thoughts might be telling you, you do not deserve to hurt yourself in any way."

He knows that what he's saying won't make Logan's pain go away. It won't make his bad thoughts vanish like with the push of a button, because he knows that's not how mental illness works. But he has to try. He has to do something before he ends up losing his best friend.

"I'm tired." Logan's voice is clogged with tears and exhaustion, and his body has gone almost completely limp against Kendall's.

Kendall bites on his bottom lip, unsure of what to say. He knows Logan's had more than enough for one night.

"Get some sleep." He gently pushes Logan to lay on the bed, before getting up to turn off the light. He hurries to take Logan's half-full mug of hot chocolate to the kitchen, and then climbs into bed next to him when he returns.

"Goodnight, Logie."

Logan, whose back is turned towards Kendall, turns for only a second, his face void of emotion. "'Night."

* * *

It's well past three in the morning, and despite his efforts to succumb to the tiredness he feels, Logan is still wide awake. Beside him, Kendall is fast asleep. And even though the one thing he wants to do is wake him up, because he can't bear to be alone with his thoughts right now, he won't. He doesn't want to worry him – not any more than he already has.

He knew coming to Kendall's was a bad idea. He knew it wouldn't end well. He knew Kendall would end up breaking his walls down; he's always been good at that.

It's then that he makes up his mind.

He carefully slips out of bed, but not before taking one last glance at his best friend's peaceful face. He then gathers his belongings and walks out of the room, being careful not to make any noise as he climbs down the stairs.

It's warm in the house – cozy and welcoming. There's a giant pine tree in the corner of the living room, decorated with white lights, colorful spheres, cute, little ornaments, and candy canes. And at the bottom of it are Christmas presents covered with all kinds of wrapping paper. It's everything he could've ever wished for, but he can't stay.

Even though it's the one thing he wants more than anything, he can't.

He tip-toes towards the front door and carefully cracks it open, just enough for him to be able to fit through. He shivers as the cold wind from outside hits him in the face, but closes the door behind him regardless.

He's not sure where he's headed at first, he just knows he can't be with the Knights and he can't be home. But as he continues walking along the icy road, he realizes where he really does want to be, or rather, with who.

The walk to his destination isn't very long. It only takes him about twenty minutes to get there, but by the time he does, he's shivering from head to toe and he's getting a headache. Tears are clinging to his frozen cheeks, and snow is clinging to his clothes and hair.

He hugs his arms around himself, longing for some warmth, but not getting any. A part of him wants to turn back, but it's too late for that.

"M-Merry Christmas, mommy." The words slip out of his mouth as he kneels down beside a tombstone, his right hand coming to rest against its cold surface. "I miss you... I miss you so much."

He wishes she was here. He wishes he could say these words to her face to face. If only he could see her one last time...

"I don't know what to do." Hot tears roll down his cheeks, a large lump growing in his throat. "D-Dad left me..." He gasps for air, his hands coming to grasp at his hair in frustration. "He left me, and he doesn't care, and I miss you. I want you back... I want you here. I want to be with you..."

He feels like he's going to be sick. He can't do this anymore. He can't.

"I-I know you wouldn't want that, though. I just... living without you is _so hard_. I'm not strong enough."

"You are."

Logan freezes, not daring to turn around. He'd been so careful...

A pair of arms wind around him from behind and a head comes to rest against his shoulder. "You're the strongest person I know, Logan."

"I'm-I'm not..."

The arms around him disappear, and a second later, his eyes meet with tearful green eyes as Kendall kneels in front of him.

"The first year's the hardest," Kendall says, grasping Logan's freezing hands in his own in a futile attempt to provide some warmth. "You're not used to it... you never really do get used to it, but you learn to cope. The ache, the pain, it never really goes away. The sadness will hit you out of the blue, sometimes when you least expect it, but you'll get through it. You will, but it's okay for you not to be okay. It's okay to fall apart, to cry, to mourn. It's okay."

"I'm... I don't think I'll ever be okay... I feel so..."

"Alone?"

Logan manages a feeble nod.

"I did, too." Kendall looks down then, his eyes landing on their hands, which are now intertwined with each other. "But the one thing you need to remember is that you're not alone. There will always be someone out there who cares, someone who understands, someone who is able to sympathize."

"I'm just... scared. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can do anything. I don't know how to get through this..."

"We'll get you help," Kendall says simply. "We will figure this out, together. We'll do anything and everything we can to help you. You're going to get better."

"But my dad..."

"Mom will know what to do."

"What if I can't get better? What if... I'm like this forever?"

"You won't be."

Logan looks down with hesitance, his eyes reflecting uncertainty. He doesn't understand how Kendall can have so much faith in him, when he can't even believe in himself.

"You'll be there?"

"Every step of the way."

"O-okay."

Kendall's lips turn up into a small smile, before he lets go of Logan's hands and pushes himself forward to hug him. "It's all gonna be okay," he whispers, his tears soaking into the fabric of Logan's jacket. "I'm not leaving you."

"Thank you..."

"Now, come on." Kendall rises to his feet and holds out a hand for Logan to take. Logan does so and allows Kendall to pull him up. "Let's get home before you end up getting sick."

"H-How did you find me?" Logan questions, his curiosity getting the best of him. "You were asleep when I left."

"I woke up and you weren't there," Kendall says with a shrug of his shoulders. "At first, I thought maybe you'd gone home, but I figured you'd come here, to talk to her."

"It's silly, I know..."

"It's not silly," Kendall reassures him. "I come here sometimes, too, to talk to my dad. It helps."

"Thanks, Kendall." A faint smile forms on Logan's face as he stares up at the blond. "For not judging me, for listening, for being here. Thank you."

"That's what I'm here for," Kendall says as he wraps an arm around Logan's smaller frame. "Are you ready?"

Logan looks back at his mother's grave, a longing look in his eyes. He blinks back unshed tears and turns and nods his head at Kendall. "Yeah, I think so."

"Okay, let's go home."

* * *

 **I hope you guys liked that, even though the ending didn't really explain what happened to Logan after this. I left it like that so that it'd be open to interpretation, though.**

 **To those of you who celebrate Christmas, I hope you have a Merry Christmas. And to those of you who don't, Happy Holidays. :)**

 **~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)**


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